


I Found a Reason ( To Keep Living)

by quickbrownfoxetastoast



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 60s setting, Alternate Canon, Boys In Love, Brief mentions of war, Early 70s, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Music, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Neil has issues, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slow Burn, Stonewall Riots, They work it out together, Todd has Issues, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, late 60s, police brutality mentioned, poor parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:55:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25045744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quickbrownfoxetastoast/pseuds/quickbrownfoxetastoast
Summary: It is the fall of 1969 and the start of senior year at Wellton for the Dead Poets. The world around them is changing fast and soon they will have to decide what they want for their lives.  Neil is struggling against his fathers wishes of becoming a doctor,while his roomate Todd is trying to find the confidence to allow himself to lead the life he wants. They connect through their shared loved for music and dreams of moving to New York ,but don´t quite know what to do when it comes to the feelings they have for each other.An ode to the dead poets and the counterculture of the 60s´.
Relationships: Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Gimme Shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this first chapter !!  
> As, usual I do not own Dead Poets Society or any of the characters nor do I profit from this work.

Neil Perry loved music, there was no other way to say it. Even before acting and performing, music had been his lifesaver in the ever-demanding life his father had already planned for him. Whenever he was feeling blue, he knew all he had to do was listen to his favourite records. He kept them in his closet, neatly ordered and hidden under piles of sweaters and other clothing items. Under the bed was the record player his mother had gifted him when he turned fifteen. His father had resisted at first, going on about how much it had costed and how much it was going to distract him from his classes. It took some help from his mother, but he let him keep it as long as he promised to use it “moderately and only after he was done studying”.  
Neil had some records stored at home, but the ones he kept at Wellton were the ones that would get a disapproving look from his father and one or two of his professors. Most of the albums from the Beatles and the Stones, some Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, Clapton, he had a bit of everything. It hardly mattered now that he was back at school, away from his father and his incessant demands. He listened while doing homework in the afternoon with the volume almost at the lowest just in case Hager was around. Saturdays were his favourite days because he would then take the record player to the school´s rooftop along with some records; the others would join him too. Charlie provided cigarettes and wine that nobody knew how he obtained. Pitts would bring snacks and when he was feeling particularly happy, he would dance along with Meeks. They spent their afternoons lazily listening and dreaming how their lives would be after Wellton.  
For Neil, sometimes it seemed as if there was no future. There was so much chaos in the world around them: the war, the civil rights movement, the riots at that bar in New York, the police brutality, the list was endless. Yet, all his parents could think of was getting him to medical school. He supposed they had a point; in a year he and all his friends would be eighteen, all eligible for the draft. Sure, he could play it safe for a year or so with the college defer but what if he wasn´t able to keep up with the workload? Pre-med wasn´t easy, he knew that much, and it did not help that he dreaded the idea of becoming a doctor almost as much as the idea of getting dragged to the jungle. Unlike Charlie, who kept bragging about how he would burn his draft card if he ever got called, Neil´s parents had no connections that could help him. He was certain Todd and Knox had them but the rest of them were screwed. Pitts had once told him that if he ever got drafted, he was done for. No way he would survive in the jungle. They had all seen the news coverage; it was a massacre.  
“Perry,” Charlie said on one of those afternoons, while rolling his eyes “Knoxious here wants to listen to Rubber Soul because he thinks that the Beatles are better than the Rolling Stones, can you believe it?"  
Neil sighed internally, the same thing happened with Charlie and Knox every time they listened to music. They would first argue about which record to play and then endlessly debate who had the better music taste. Since Neil was the owner of the record player, he unofficially had the power to ultimately decide which album to liste, and he often had to intervene between the two.  
“I didn´t say that Charlie,” Knox interrupted “I´m just saying they have more idea of what they are doing, what they want their music to sound like. Even Bob Dylan said so.”  
“Well Dylan hasn´t really been the same since he went electric right?”  
“Come on Charlie you love the guy”  
“Not relevant right now, Neil” he said while putting out his cigarette “I say we take a vote to settle this for once and all” He called to the other dead poets, who were mindlessly talking about the massive amount of workload they had barely a month into the fall semester.  
“What are we doing?” asked Pitts  
“Taking a vote on who is better: the Beatles or the Stones” Neil said hoping his voice conveyed the slight annoyance of the situation  
Cameron rolled his eyes all the way back to his skull “Not again”  
Todd was standing slightly behind Meeks not saying anything yet. His new roommate was still a bit of a mystery, one that Neil found himself drawn to immediately. He was a bit of detective, so he tried hard to be friendly and the payoff was that little by little he saw glimpses of what composed the entirety of Todd. He liked hot tea on the afternoons, he only liked to shower at night, he clasped his hands together when nervous, his favourite sweater was a blue woollen one, he wasn´t good at maths, such little things. The most important one Neil had noticed was that even if Todd didn´t speak his mind often, his brain worked a thousand miles an hour and when he spoke, he did it with power, like prophet. He had such a gift with words and probably so much to say; it made Neil a bit sad that he would not allow himself to do it. He didn´t quite know what it was, but he had bonded with Todd in a way he had never with anyone else in his life. He suppossed that is what some would call "connection" but there had to be another word for it. Everytime there was this electricity running through both of their bodies and pulling them together. He felt the static in every inch of him, amplifying every part of his soul.  
“Who do you prefer, Perry? Asked Charlie, pulling him out of his thoughts. Damn it, Charlie.  
“Look, I don´t know who is better but right now I would take Let it Bleed over Revolver any day of the week”  
“You are a man of taste, Meeks? Pitts?  
“Sorry Charlie,” said the ginger “but I prefer the Beatles, not the old stuff though”  
“I agree the old stuff sucks, but I´d rather go to a Stones concert” added Pitts.  
“Cameron?”  
“You should know that I don´t approve much of either but if I had to pick, I would go with the Beatles. No way I am listening to someone who calls themselves satanic”  
“Why did I even ask?” sighed Charlie.  
What about you Todd? asked Neil raising his brow.  
The blue-eyed boy jolted slightly; he knew he had the final decision in his hands. If he was completely honest, he was more of a Beatles guy himself. He found that the lyrics suited him better, the mellow sounds were more of his taste, and even the old cheesy stuff ,he found endearing. The problem was that Neil had said he preferred the Stones and he could not deny Neil anything, even if he wasn´t aware he was asking. Neil was special on his own: he had this energy and passion to live that Todd had never seen on anyone else. He loved everything and everyone so much. He was determined to share bits and pieces of his beautiful soul, some he might never get back, just to make his friends feel the same joy he radiated.  
Neil was also the first person who had not given up on Todd. He had tried to push him away for good as much as he could during their first days at Welton and yet Neil persisted, like the leaf that refused to fall of a tree. Soon enough Todd realised that talking to Neil was easy and lovely. They had developed this little game, an unspoken one, where they guessed each other with just a hand gesture or a smile. Neil could guess what Todd was feeling or thinking with just a glance and the other way around. He liked this game, he liked being predicted and basked in sheer happiness whenever Neil smiled at him, signalling that they were thinking the same. Wasn´t that beauty in this world? To finally be able to talk with someone? To laugh? To dance? To read? someone to a dream about? Maybe it seemed small for Neil but the kindness he had showed him made Todd cry every time he thought about it. He took a few more seconds to think before finally saying:  
“Sorry, Knox but lately I´ve been more into the Stones and their blues”  
“Oh, you guys are the worst”  
Everyone laughed and the first few notes of Gimme Shelter were heard. The sun was setting, and the air was filled with cigarette smoke, everything was perfect. Todd wanted to preserve this in his head, capture it like a short film he could go over and over every time he felt alone. He tried to take it all in and took the courage to glance at Neil´s direction. Todd was certain he would be there, looking with that secret smile of his. Their eyes met through the last beams of light the sun had to offer, and when he curved his lips into a playful smirk and then a smile, they both knew he was saying:  
“Liar, we both know you prefer the Beatles”  
Todd smiled back and slightly shrugged his arms  
“You are welcome, Neil”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!  
> This is my first fic so I don´t know how well it turned out but it is finally done.  
> I am so sorry for any mistakes in advance! english is not my fist language.  
> This story will have more chapters so stay tuned.  
> I tried to tag as much warnings as I could but if there is something more please let me know.  
> Of course, any comments and advice are welcome.


	2. Sunday Morning

The first time Todd had crossed the large doors of the Welton chapel, all the expectation he had for a quiet senior year vanished. The cruel reality that this was the best all-male, prep-school in America and he was expected to be the best amongst the best terrified him. There was no way he could be himself in here, the horrifying, conservative aura of the school made it look like it was 1959. Todd only had to listen to the headmaster´s outdated speech about traditional values to know he was a man who refused to let the fifties go. What would Nolan say about Bob Dylan or Lou Reed?   
Now, two months into the fall semester he was unable to believe he had made friends, he belonged to a society, and he got along with his roommate. Of course, the anxiety and spiralling thoughts were still there, reminding him that maybe no one even liked him, that these friendships would not last, that everyone just felt sorry for him, that he would fail all his classes and never get into college. The list was endless; he could not help it, he worried about everything, all the time. He was quiet and hated to stand out, but ironically his silence only seemed to attract more attention towards him. His fellow classmates and teachers all encouraged him to “get out of his shell”, they meant well but this only added to his unease.   
Yet, this were nothing compared to anxiety he felt while thinking about his big, murky secret, the one he could not tell anyone: Todd Anderson liked boys and he was falling for his roommate and Welton’s own golden boy, Neil Perry. He had known from an early age he was not interested in girls the same way his classmates were. Sure, he could tell when a girl was pretty, but it made him uncomfortable to discuss the female anatomy in the objectifying way his friends did. Yet, last year something interesting had happened. Bored out of his mind on Easter Break, he accidentally caught a special broadcast of that extravagant, blonde artist in New York and his new band: The Velvet Underground. It only took about five minutes of watching Lou Reed play the guitar and sing, for Todd to know that not only did he liked man, he wanted them. The very next day he found himself at the local record store buying their album with the strange banana cover- he hid it cleverly under his mattress and only played it when he was sure no one was around. For months he went into panic as he listened to the explicit lyrics, thinking how he still couldn´t get over his stupid crush on Lou Reed, and then listened again to examine these feelings once more. Suddenly it was the summer before senior year and the Stonewall Riots happened. His brother Jeffrey, who attended Columbia, had told him about it over the phone.   
“It was awful, Todd. I was just on another bar near the Village the night it happened, having drinks with my friends. Suddenly everyone is screaming that Christopher Street is on fire, that they are arresting and beating people. I didn´t know what it was all about, we thought it was safer to return to my apartment, just in case. We found out the next day on the news. I wished I had stayed, but anyways I am going to this march on the 28th, it´s supposed to be massive. I´ll tell you about it next time we talk, just don´t tell mom and dad okay? Take care little brother.”   
Todd had to admit that sending Jeffrey to college had probably been the greatest mistake his parents had ever made. He had gone from Welton´s top student- destined to be a brilliant economist- to a sociology major. At family reunions, he was fast and loud about his position against the war, the president, the system and even louder about his support towards equal rights for everyone. Their parents did not seem to mind that much; they preferred he stayed in college to avoid the draft. He could study whatever he wanted and maybe declare a different major after, but he was most definitely banned from the dinner table at Thanksgiving.   
He had considered coming out to Jeffrey, but the footage from the riots had scared him enough. If people like him could not be themselves in New York City, he most definitely could not risk it at all at Welton. The fear that accumulated on his stomach at the thought of someone finding out made him dizzy, but it was hard to ignore his feelings with Neil as his roommate. Not only did they share this otherworldly connection Todd was still trying to figure out, but Neil was a touchy person. Whether it was a quick pat on the shoulder or a full embrace after the football match, it made Todd extremely nervous and aware of his emotions.   
“Hey Todd, do you mind if I play so music while we study?” he had asked during their first weekend at Wellton. He had managed to stutter a quick no before diving back to his history book.   
“All right,” said Neil as he pulled out a record player from under his bed and then proceeded to rummage through his closet.   
“Hey, what do you want to listen to? I´ve got a Kinks album, pretty much everything by The Beatles, I have one or two by the Stones too, or what about the Mammas & the Pappas? Do you like them? I just got one of their albums too. I´ve got more, but you can see for yourself if you want”  
Neil spoke fast and Todd´s mind was just beginning to catch up, but he could tell Neil was excited about sharing this with him. He was cautious when he answered, trying to hide his enthusiasm about their shared love for music.   
“Uh, whatever you want is fine” he replied without lifting his gaze.   
“I want to know what you like, Todd”  
“I don´t know, anything works” Suddenly, Neil was at his side snapping the book from his hands and demanding that their eyes met.   
“Look, if we are going to be roommates for the rest of the semester, we need to do better than this. You´ve been pretty much ignoring my existence for the entire week, and if you don´t like me it´s okay, but I think we could be good friends. Don’t you?” Todd was astounded by Neil´s confidence. Why couldn’t he be just as direct and tell him how much he longed for his friendship ever since Neil had introduced himself?   
He worked up the courage to look at him and almost whispered:  
“Yes, I think so too” that is when Neil gave him for the first time a smile that went from cheek to cheek across his face. The smile that Todd was now sure, was reserved just for him.   
“So, which record?”  
“Do you have anything by The Velvet Underground?”   
“You are kidding me?” Neil said with wide eyes.  
“I´m sorry,” he apologized quickly, without really knowing why.   
“Don´t apologize Todd! I´ve never met anyone else who liked The Velvet Underground as well!! I only have The Velvet Underground & Nico, but I think they are supposed to release a new album soon. I don´t listen to them that much because my father would disapprove, and in here Hager would have a heart attack . But they are great, the sound is so different from everyone else”  
“Yes,” said Todd a little more cheerful “and the lyrics, they are ...”  
“Freaking amazing!” and that guy Lou Reed, he is just so…”  
“Cool?” Todd finished for him with a little blush.   
“Yeah, I wish I could work with Andy Warhol and live in New York” he said while finding the record and then sliding it out the sleeve.”  
“I understand that, I wish I could live in New York as well”   
“What would you do?”   
“I don´t know, hopefully go to college” he answered while Sunday Morning played “Anything works as long as it´s far away from here,”   
“I definitely sympathize with that”  
“You are applying to Harvard, right?” Todd asked before he could stop himself”  
“Yes, my father wants me to be a doctor”   
“Oh, and do you want to be one?”   
“I don´t know, but it´s can´t be worse than getting drafted” he answered quickly.  
“Anyways, where are you applying?”   
“NYU and Columbia but also Brown and Penn in case New York doesn´t work out”   
“Wow, you really want to get there don’t you?” asked Neil.  
“I guess…I just always imagined myself living there, it´s so full of life.”   
“I know what you mean, there must be something really special about it. I mean a bunch of artists live there. If I´m honest I´ve always pictured myself there as well.”   
None of them said anything for a moment as they listened to Femme Fatale   
“You could apply to Columbia if you really want to move to the city, it´s a top med school as well” said Todd before he could stop himself.  
“Oh” Neil said absentmindedly “Harvard´s just my father´s whim, but I’m sure he will be satisfied with any school as long as it is Ivy League”   
Todd did not press the matter any further since he sensed some discomfort. He quickly discovered that he liked sharing silences with Neil just as much as he liked talking with him. It wasn´t uncomfortable; it was peaceful. After that, talking to Neil was as easy as breathing. The tiny voices were still there, telling him that everything could go extremely wrong, but he tried to push them away, at least for a while.   
That night he fell asleep while dreaming of moving to New York City with Neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don´t even know what this chapter is... maybe more background for Todd? I feel like there are some plot holes and lack of insight...  
> i definetely plan to explore the relationship between their parents more, but for now this is it.  
> anyway, hope you enjoy and as always thank you for reading!  
> Also, in this house we love supportive brother Jeffrey Anderson.  
> Next chapter should be up soon but as a preview:  
> It´s Todd´s birthday; chaos and feelings ensue.


	3. Tomorrow Never Knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up! this chapter contains underage discussion and use of drugs and alcohol.  
> As usual, I do not own Dead Poets Society or any of the characters nor do i profit from this work.  
> Hope you like it!! i struggled for a bit with this part but i like how it turned out.

Sunday.  
October 11th 

Neil woke up with the light of midday that poured through the small window of his room. Wellton´s strict schedule had forced him to become a morning person, but he allowed himself to sleep a bit more on Sundays when there was not much to do. Still, in the daze between sleep and full consciousness his biological clock told him that he had woken up much more later than usual. His head was aching for some unknown reason and his tongue felt funny; he was in desperate need of a glass of water. He took a few more seconds before forcing himself to fully wake up. It wasn´t until he turned around from his bed, that he remembered all the events from last night and then felt his heart take a leap out of his chest.

2 weeks earlier  
September 27th 

It all started at lunch while Knox was telling Todd how they had celebrated Neil´s seventeenth birthday during summer (it may or may not have involved a picnic by the lake with the other dead poets and too many bottles of wine).  
Neil suddenly realised with embarrassment that he did not know Todd´s birthday, so he asked him casually,  
“Hey, Todd when is your birthday? Please don´t tell me we missed it. “  
“Oh, you haven´t missed it, it´s the tenth of October” he answered shyly.  
“Todd!!!” exclaimed Charlie “You realise that is only a couple of weeks away? We are totally celebrating.”  
Neil noticed Todd tense a little at the mention of this.  
“Thanks guys, I really appreciate it, but you don´t have to.”  
“That is unacceptable!!” said Charlie “We are throwing you a birthday party, period.”  
“Yeah, you only turn seventeen once.” added Pitts with a smile while the others quickly agreed.  
Todd still hadn´t said anything, and if Neil had to guess he was probably nervous about the whole idea of a party.  
“It´s okay if you don´t want a party, we can celebrate however you want” said Neil softly.  
Charlie must have felt the tension and though he could be a tease at times he could also sense this was not the time for joking.  
“Hey, Neil is right. Look, why don´t you take a couple of days to think about something and then let us know?”  
That seemed to put Todd at ease.  
“Okay, I’ll think about it. Thanks guys, really.” he answered more cheerfully.  
It was not until later at night, when Neil was getting ready to sleep and arranging the books on his desk that he got the chance to talk with Todd.  
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, “you seemed a bit tense at lunch today.”  
“I´m okay,” the blonde answered “I just got momentarily overwhelmed by the idea of party, I´m sorry…”  
“Don´t” Neil cut quickly “I know Charlie can get a bit too excited,”  
“It´s not that, I´ve just never had a birthday party before and the idea makes me nervous, but I think I want to celebrate for once.”  
Neil could not believe Todd had never properly celebrated his birthday. He suspected this had to do with his parent´s busy schedule. They didn´t talk much about it, but he knew they could be somewhat forgetful when it came to their youngest son.  
“I’m so sorry about that, I had no idea.”  
“It´s okay, I´ve never really told anyone before.”  
Neil felt something warm settle in his stomach and chest at the mention of this; it meant Todd trusted him and it made him feel all kinds of extraordinary. He had to make sure Todd knew he deserved to celebrate.  
“Well, I don´t want to force you into anything, but I think you should have at least one birthday party. You have every right to celebrate, it is the day you were born after all and that is something special”  
Todd thought about it for a second before answering:  
“I actually think I would like to celebrate for once” he was smiling now and had glow in his ocean eyes.  
Neil would have gladly celebrated Todd´s existence everyday of his life.  
“That is great!!” he said not bothering to try and hide his enthusiasm.  
“Well, better to seize the time I have with all of you before school is over”  
“You are crazy if you think this is our last year together” Neil said with the biggest smile “No matter where we end up, I promise I will obnoxiously keep in touch with you.”  
“Deal?” asked Neil.  
“Deal” said Todd, and Neil could have sworn he saw a faint blush on his cheeks.  
He was so glad to have Todd Anderson as a friend. 

Saturday  
October 10th 

Todd´s birthday

The liquor and weed had been Charlie´s idea, naturally. Once Todd had revealed he was willing to celebrate , it had not taken much to convince everyone that to truly commemorate the occasion they had to get at least a bit drunk and high, and the cave was the perfect spot for their little party.  
Neil would have thought Todd against the idea of any illegal substances being used, but he said that everyone was smoking these days and that if Bob Dylan and Paul McCartney smoked grass then it could not be that bad. He couldn´t argue with that logic, specially since Todd had managed to convince Cameron, who had been fretting about the whole thing, to try it too.  
Since it was the weekend and the students were left pretty much to do what they wanted, Neil woke up extra early to make sure everything was perfect for Todd´s party. He didn´t know why but he was slightly nervous, specially about the gifts he had gotten for Todd, he wanted everything to be perfect.  
Todd woke up not feeling particularly special from any other day. Each year he thought he would feel different as another year passed him by but so far, no luck. He did however feel a bit more enthusiastic about celebrating and spending time with his friends. They had agreed to meet at the cave at six, so they could sober up a bit before coming back to school. “It will be a good day” Todd murmured to himself before summoning the strength to get out of bed. Neil was surprisingly already up so he dressed quickly in his favourite cable knit blue sweater and hurried for breakfast downstairs.  
The other poets were eating at their usual table and stood up in a rush to greet Todd as he approached. Charlie got him first and squeezed him into a tight hug while congratulating him.  
“You are a big boy now, Todd”  
“Thanks, Charlie” he replied with a genuine smile.  
The rest of the poets congratulated him as well and when Neil pulled him into a brief embrace, he held his breath as he tried no to pull him closer; his chest was strong and warm He could see himself nestle in that little space in his neck.  
“Here, we saved you some pancakes” said Knox as he handed him a plate of pancakes with melted butter and blueberry jam on top.  
“And some hot chocolate, I can´t believe it´s already freezing in here” added Meeks gingerly.  
After breakfast, Todd returned to his room where a pile of gifts awaited him on the desk.  
“I don´t want to miss his reaction, hurry guys” a voice said in the hall.  
It was Pitts who rushed from the hallway just in time to catch the shock in Todd´s eyes.  
“Well birthday boy, open your presents” said Knox eagerly.  
Todd was on the verge of crying from happiness; for years, the only presents he had received where from Jeffrey and his parents.  
He opened Knox´s presents first; it was a beautiful leather-bound copy of “Leaves of Grass” and a new journal. Pitts had gotten him an amazing William Shakespeare themed stationary set with pens, envelopes and even a wax seal of the bard himself. Cameron had been kind enough to give him a pair of knitted mitts and a bag of mint chocolates. Pitts outdid himself when he presented Todd with a green, woollen, turtleneck sweater; he was going to wear the hell out of it during winter. Meeks gave him a tea mug with Van Gogh´s Almond Blossoms printed in it and a small bag full of apple cider tea infusion. Charlie being Charlie had gotten him a simple yet elegant black- leather watch, since his had shattered recently. On the back the phrase Carpe Diem was engraved in cursive letters.  
“So you always remember us” said Charlie with a wink.  
The rest of the day went in a haze as they prepared everything, they would need for their evening party. Charlie and Neil had already made several trips to the cave to drop their stash of liquor, some records, and their trusty record player. Knox was a surprisingly good baker and had manged to convince the kitchen staff to let him bake a frosted yellow cake.  
They found themselves walking together towards the cave already excited for the promises the nigh would bring.  
“So, what should we do first? Drink or smoke?” asked Charlie  
“Is there a difference?” asked Todd.  
“I don´t think the weed will hit that much if we drink first” said Meeks “and we probably want to eat before drinking too”  
Everyone thought this to be reasonable and so they lit up the three joints Charlie had gotten them and passed them around. “Revolver” by the Beatles was playing because Charlie swore it only made sense when you listened to it high. Halfway through the record Cameron said:  
“I don´t feel anything unusual, is that normal?”  
“Give it a second, Cameron” said Charlie “you will all feel it in a second, it just takes longer when it´s your first time”  
Charlie was right it wasn´t almost until the end of the album when they all started to feel it. As if on cue “Tomorrow Never Knows” started to play with its psychedelic melodies only adding to their high.  
The music was no longer just in the atmosphere of the cave it was on their very brain. Todd swore he could almost touch the notes, he needed to listen to Dylan and Reed and everyone like this.  
Two hours, several pieces of cake, and a bottle of gin later it was fair to say that all the dead poets were absolutely smashed. Knox had lost the capacity to speak properly almost half and hour ago and was laying on the floor, silently whispering the name Chris over and over. Meeks and Pitts were in the middle of arguing whether rabbits were silently taking over the world or not. Cameron had reached a whole new level of clarity and was convinced this was a dream and they were taking part in Nolan´s personal nightmare. Charlie had become painfully aware of his own beauty and was confident he was some reincarnation of Lord Byron. Neil was all giggly trying to get Todd´s attention while being even more affectionate than usual. He would touch his shoulder, pat his back and ocasionally pull him in a brief hug. Todd was significantly less tense and returned every embrace with enthusiasm, he needed to write every idea that was going through his head right now.  
“We should get going now if we don´t want to get caught” said Charlie who was slightly more sober than the others.  
“Charlie is right, we need to get everyone to their room before lights out” said Meeks.  
“Since Cameron is my roommate, I’ll deal with him. You and Pitts take Knox before he starts weeping all over again over Chris”  
“Yes, sir”  
“Todd and Neil, do you think you can make it to your room without any trouble?”  
“Aye, Aye Captain” said Neil with more giggles as Todd joined him.  
Charlie rolled his eyes but deemed them capable enough, plus he had more important things to deal with, like a sleepy drunk Cameron.  
Everyone made it safely to their shared bedrooms just in time for Hager to come out of his office in his grumpy demeanour and declare lights out.  
“Neil be quiet!” said Todd but he couldn´t stop giggling as well.  
“I´m sorry, I just remembered”  
“What?”  
“Your present!!! I wanted to give it to you when we were alone”  
“Why? You are such a fool!”  
“Because it is special! Here let me go get it” Neil said as he reached under his bed.  
Todd could not really stop him; a warm feeling had taken over him as he watched Neil struggle to get two wrapped packages.  
“I wasn´t sure if you would like them but the guy at the store convinced me to get them.”  
Todd sat next to Neil on the bed and took the squared packages in his hands; the touch of something hard under a card box material confirmed to him that these were records. He opened the first one to find the head of a man floating on a green background with blue dots and the words David Bowie on white letters above.  
“I haven´t heard anything by him really, but the guy said if you like The Velvet then you would like this….”  
“Neil this looks amazing!! Thank you so much!!” said Todd with the biggest smile Neil had ever seen on him.  
“Open the other one” he says suddenly feeling shy and more nervous.  
Todd struggles with the wrapping for a bit before finally pulling out the new Velvet Underground Record with Lou and Nico in the cover.  
“It has a song that reminded me of you, it´s called Your Pale Blue Eyes” says Neil not quite looking at him.  
Perhaps is the alcohol or drugs still in his system but Todd takes this a good sign and does not bother with words this time. He pulls Neil into a tight embrace and doesn´t let go for a while. Neil just holds him even closer and when they finally pull apart for a bit Todd whispers:  
“Thank you, for making this such a special day”  
“Todd” says Neil suddenly cupping his cheek and pressing their noses and foreheads together “You are my favourite person in the world, you know? You deserve to be celebrated.”  
“You are my favourite person in the world, too” Todd finally says because it is true.  
They don´t say much after that, but there is no need to. They fall asleep holding each other and Neil thinks he has never felt so happy before. 

October 11th 

Neil wakes up with Todd still by his side. They are not longer holding each other but the bed is small enough to feel the heat radiating from him. Neil´s stomach sinks as he comes to the realization that he may be completely in love with his best friend. Just thinking of the implications this could bring makes him feel dizzy, so he rises from the bed slowly without waking the blonde and heads for the shower. It is better this way he convinces himself on the way there, we will never have to talk about it and know one will ever have to know about it. 

Todd wakes up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?  
> I´m not sure how well weed and alcohol mix but supposedly it makes you feel way more drunk if you smoke before drinking and that is why the dead poets end up smashed on this chapter.  
> Neil is confused and kind of having gay panic so... expect a bit of angst. Mr. Keating will finally appear on the next chapter.  
> Thak you so much for reading !!!


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